dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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