I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
