I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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