i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
