I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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