Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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