you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
