i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
