I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
