Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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