I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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