I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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