Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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