Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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