I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
