Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
