Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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