you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
