i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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