Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
