I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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