Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize