Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She announced her abortion via fbk
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
