Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
