i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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