I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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