I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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