My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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