I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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