This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
