I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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