Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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