We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
