Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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