I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
