angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
