I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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