walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
