I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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