i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
