Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
