I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
