I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
