Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
