Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize