Sry I called you an 8
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
