I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
