I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize