lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
