Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
