I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
pray to the hookup gods
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize