just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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