my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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