does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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