you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
