at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
