My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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