Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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