Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
