Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
