I need help removing her.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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