Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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