When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
