Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
