A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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