She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My ATM looks so different sober.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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