I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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