That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize