Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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