When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
