Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
